of living, sunken ships and rain

Breathe in. Breathe out. Heart beat in my ears. Smell of rain in the room. Sound of rain outside. I feel alive.

Pause.

This is one of those moments that happens right after you take a sip of wine, fill your lungs with air and quietly smile to yourself. That little smile in the corner of my mouth stays there for another minute or two, as my mind wanders off to some random thoughts up in the grumpy gray clouds.

I lose track of time just staring into the wall of water in front of my balcony. My thoughts are gathering together in a little puddle by my feet. So much on my mind, nobody to talk to... Loneliness is just a state of mind, or is it? I have invested countless sleepless nights into searching in the depths of my mind, digging in the essence of my heart and traveling to the darkest corners of my past. The return rate was rather pleasing, since I have found in me the ability to analyze myself in a way I was never able before. Through my scattered past, through every instance that shuddered my heart, I was able to put all the pieces of my puzzle together. This is the kind of moment in our lives each and one of us must embrace on their own. I want to be able to explain this feeling, but maybe I shouldn't. So I'll just whisper it into the night, while the city parties and nobody is listening.


As we make our ways through the journey of life, there comes a time we get to a standstill. We look around us and see the world moving at a crazy speed. People's lives coming together and falling apart, cities growing, prices rising, cars colliding, trees turning green... And all that is happening faster than you could ever imagine your own life move. Sometimes, you will need a tomorrow to finish what you started today. You will need to stay true to yourself and never stop growing. Don't let anybody tell you who you should be and where you should go. Take downfalls as new beginnings instead of a burning end. Leave the past where it belongs; don't disturb it. It brought you where you are, but it hasn't made you who you can be. You got to the standstill because you needed that time to make peace with who you are, so you can be happy with what you have. You are the captain of your ship, and if it sinks you must go down with it. Don't let daily misfortunes, small-minded people and plans gone wrong take you to the bottom of this ocean of life.


As I type out these little personal epiphanies, I cannot help but remember stab after stab tearing up my back; cold metal piercing my transparent skin; wounds that never got to heal; another knife adds yet one more street to the map of scars on my back.


That was then.


Now I am my own doctor who self-medicates with writing and photography. I am my own compass that guides me through the lost paths of time. I am my own safety pin that holds my fragile body and mind together. I live in the moment. I dance through life. I sure do daydream a lot. And I always, always smile.


I am the epitome of me.