in honor of memory

"not all who wander are lost" J.R.R. Tolkien

i wake up as my eyes wander around. they stop on my laptop for a split second. before i even know, my hands pick it up and drag it down with me into the blindingly white mess of covers and lack of sunlight. the rain outside makes life seem heavier and much darker than one would envision it on a monday. remains of golden leaves sparkle with rain drops and reflect nothing but how meaningless these words are and how cold my cup of tea is.

i wake up as my mind wanders around the bitterness and self-destruction of these bickering quarrels. stop. rewind. replay. i wake up as my mind wanders around oh-so carefully worded conversations and gentle touches. stop. rewind. replay. i wake up as my mind wanders around ... when does it stop? gentle burns out and turns into awkward. awkward then is turned into ashes and carried away with the cold wind of a warm texas winter. stop. rewind. replay. set the tape on fire. sometimes, when you have nothing else to burn, you'll set yourself on fire and watch the flakes of light flying into the wind of the night. stop. erase. re-record.

i wake up as my heart wanders in the walk-in closet of carefully categorized memories and feelings. snippets of emotions and fully written canned responses to the most ambushing moments of my life, all are neatly stored and labeled by dates and names. some names have become a blur, while other dates are still burning vividly in my memory as i wake up...

i wake up as my mouth is cringed in a painful fight between teeth and lips... biting, locking up the void that is resurfacing with the smell of pine in the room and distant voice of a past that needs to be buried. your memory lives on, it's the dates that i want to forget. i want this holiday season to mean something again. to be something more than merely a stabbing pulse in my heart reminding me you are gone. pause. breath. rewind.

i wake up as your memory is wandering around my head. is it lost? i don't know anymore....