hello, stranger. it has been a while, hasn't it? feels like an eternity since the last time we were intertwined on a sleepless night. I'm sorry. I have not been neglectful, I just convinced myself to miss your pages enough, until I couldn't stay away any longer. so here we are, at the Here and in the Now...
tonight, of all nights, of all nights in all these years, I am not craving uncertainty. the edges of the wound where the bullet went in / tearing up flesh / cutting its way through / the edges have finally scarred. the smell of scorched skin is gone; the burning pain raising out of my chest is forgotten; the bandages are gone, tossed on the floor, next to the bullet-proof vest I no longer need. I used to want something I could never be; now I want nothing but what I am. it's a mixed feeling of euphoria and confusion, of accomplishment and insecurity, of fear and determination. it's free falling.
so here I sit in my backyard, overlooking the corner of Memory Ln and Hope Blvd, watching the trains go by, as I merely attempt to put together this shattered mirror I've stored away millions of light years ago in my head. I muster the confidence and the patience I've never had, stock up on glue and thin brushes to help me put it back together, because / for once / the broken reflection I see is ready to be brought back to life.
I fade to sleep, and I dream of rain and the soothing sound it brings to my sporadic nightmares. every single drop washes away what has been meant for the city sewage for years now. underneath my feet there is a cold river of regrets that slowly makes its way into the drainage. it might never rain again, and it will be fine by me, because after tonight, I don't have anything that I want washed away from my life. no more fixations; only chances.
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